height="110">Close to you - Carpenters

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The disappointments. The Greece trip that fell thru was insignificant compared to the damage inflicted from the people whom i know. I have opened my heart to many before until I got tired. Weary of hoping, of thinking this could be the one, this could be the place where i can be myself.
Finding God again provided me with the anchor that I desperately seek but couldnt grasp. Through the turmoils and disappointments dealt to me from all aspects, I had God, a good support from the church and a good friend with me. Firstly, God has been faithful and I am thankful. Secondly, the good support from church has been very disappointing. I may be rash in saying this since I am not very calm nor rational in my thinking now. But, the ridiculity of the entire episode ticked me off and threw me off balance.
Thirdly, my good friend. This is a guy whom I thought that I could finally depend on to be consistent, to be there when I need him to be, to be rational and explain things that I am ignorant about, to guide when I am lost. I think I have depended too much on him. Too much on a someone who will soon pass from my life like many others had. The relationship between us is: unclear. I may care too much for this single guy fren, depended on him too much for advices and to be there when I need him to be. I should realise how dangerous this could be.
Opening my heart to such an extent to a person has been unprecendented. It was disappointing when he realised the misjudgments of the elders of the church but still continued to submit to them. This is someone whom I have looked up to, listened to for advices, ran to when I need someone to cry to. God was there for me in my spiritual needs and he is there when i need to complain. Now, i think the best solution to the entire episode will be to drift away. The disappointments that I am feeling emanated from the church and from him. Both are equally suffocating.
It chokes me constantly whenever i think about the church or about him. The slight tingling sour feeling that the heart feels when you watch heart wrenching, albeit cheesy, touching scenes lingered.
I am no longer angry but very sad. I could imagine looking at his eyes and just cry. Maybe I should have guarded my heart even better than this. Why havent I learnt? The only time that I felt this way was when something similar happened with a very very good girl fren. I held on to the unshed tears for 2 years, until I realised, I could no longer care for her the same as I could before. Then, i realised, I have lost a fren along with those unshed tears and unsaid words. And now, I am feeling exactly the same. Exactly the same.
I dun think he will ever know, since i dun intend to say anything to him. But, this is wad happened for those who read my blog from time to time. I need a hug, I need a shoulder to cry on. The one that I could cry on has disappeared along with many other things.

Posted by Jessica at Tuesday, April 27, 2010