height="110">Close to you - Carpenters

Monday, June 02, 2008

it's a bad week for some of my frens. I'm keeping a few frens in prayers and hopefully things will turn out for the better for them in the next week. Somehow i wonder.. why are relationships so complicated among people? Perhaps this is one of the reasons why i do not really like to make close frens cause it tends to make you more vulnerable to such issues.. the case is similar for intimate relationships.
The more you care for someone, the higher the possiblity that you may get affected by the things the person may do. Honestly, it makes sense although i sound like a damn insecure ass here. I am i think. I have heard, not more than once, that i'm a weak person in actual fact. I talk loudly, jokes loudly but rarely trust anyone.. Isnt that sad?
Yesterday i went to church and the sermon was about transformation of a person.. Surprisingly, the girl who shared her story, her transformation in the middle of the sermon by a pastor was someone i knew from school.. a sweet and God-fearing gal although she is an acquaintance. She said that she used to tell jokes and stories to attract the attention of others.. much like kids giving others sweets so that they will continue to be frens with them..
And i start to think, am i like her? I enjoy entertaining my frens even if it means getting laughed at and joked at.. for the fun of it, why not? Then again, deep down, i somehow feel insecure that i may not be enough as a person with character that others will want to hang out with.. Isnt that ironic? I dunno.. another fren of mine told me that i've built a fortress around myself, my heart.. so high that i tend to ignore everyone who tries to enter.
It takes more to trust and i was never a trusting person.. I couldnt pinpoint from when did it became so hard to trust. I do so unconsciously and wad can i do about it? Perhaps it began when friends, even close ones, start to doubt your character and suspect things that you will never do.. frens that are supposed to know you the best and yet, didnt trust. Maybe.. i'm not sure.
Then again, learning to trust is important.. at least i know I trust Him.. so one step at a time. Till then..

Posted by Jessica at Monday, June 02, 2008